In all seriousness, it's really, really hard to make solar cells. You need a cleanroom facility (those cost many millions of dollars), and then you need very precise, expensive equipment to do the processing. For example, the diffusion tubes that diffuse the various dopants into the silicon wafer have to hold everything at something like 1000C (that's just a ballpark number) and keep it there with no more than 1/10 of a degree variation. You don't do that with a kitchen stove or a pottery kiln--you need specialized equipment that sells for millions of dollars a copy.
And then, it takes a HUGE amount of knowledge to be able to get the silicon process right. You're generally talking about a whole team of people with PhDs and years of experience under their belts.
The moral of this story: Don't try this at home!
Naw, nobody does wafers anymore outside of aerospace and other high-dollar applications, and even a lowly class 1000 cleanroom would be fine; it's all about amorphous silicon now, and it can be made MUCH more cheaply. All you need is a a source of semiconductor-grade glass and series of car-sized vacuum chambers to set up the various sputtering and doping processes. Then you, too, can be a solar panel manufacturer!
Actually, just running black-painted PEX through a black painted box would work pretty good for heating water, and that hot water could be used to power a small heat engine. This would be a more practical method. Alternately, sun-tracking parabolic mirrors could be used to concentrate solar energy on a steam generator, which could drive a small steam engine.
I think a DIY wind turbine might be an easier project.
