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oil change instructions (humor) #21932
02/12/03 07:06 PM
02/12/03 07:06 PM
rmiell  Offline OP
Joined: Nov 2000
Posts: 242
La Junta, Co. USA
“Oil Change Instructions For Women"

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
$20.00 for oil change
$ 1.00 for coffee
Total = $21.00

"Oil Change Instructions For Men"
1)Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2)Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3)Open a beer and drink it.
4)Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5)Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6)In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7)Place drain pan under engine.
8)Look for 9/16-box end wrench.
9)Give up and use crescent wrench.
10)Unscrew drain plug.
11)Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil- get hot oil on you in process.
12)Clean up mess.
13)Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14)Look for oil filter wrench.
15)Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off
17)Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional IO minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
35) Beer.
36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
37) Beer.
38) Beer.
39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
40) Beer.
41) Lower car from jack stands.
42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
43) Move car back to apply more kitty fitter to fresh oil spilled during Step 23.
44) Beer.
45) Test drive car.
46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
47) Car gets impounded.
48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
$50.00 parts
$25.00 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands: (hey the colors have to match!!!)
$ 1,000.00 Bail
$200.00 Impound and towing fee
$1,350.00 Total

[This message has been edited by rmiell (edited 02-12-2003).]

[This message has been edited by rmiell (edited 02-12-2003).]

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Re: oil change instructions (humor) #21933
02/13/03 03:13 PM
02/13/03 03:13 PM
j a harrison  Offline
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 106
southampton, england
Now here is the alternative..........

From me,

step 1, realise oil needs changing.

step 2, call our service garage.

step 3, mechanic turns up with spare truck,

step 4, go sit in the staff room, drink coffee

step 5, van and mechanic comes back with my truck.

Money spent,

Who cares its a company truck, !!!

Thanks youall.


Re: oil change instructions (humor) #21934
02/13/03 04:07 PM
02/13/03 04:07 PM
SvenNYC  Offline
Joined: Aug 2002
Posts: 1,691
New York City
With my mom's 1986 Chevvy rustbucket it was:

Drive around with my uncle to the local elementary school and get some large tomato sauce cans to hold the oil in. Find a huge cardboard from a refrigerator box.

Go to Straus Auto parts and buy oil and new filter.

Drive to "garage row" (deserted on Saturday) where he works. Jack up the car and slide under with the first tomato can and the cardboard so as not to lie on the greasy dirt. Loosen drain plug, careful not to drop it in the can. Drain. Change can. Drain. Change can. Get some on fingers. Drain some more. Slide all the cans out.

Uncle then tells me to go loosen filter (I have the skinny hands). We never got the hang of the wrench - space was too tight. I loosen the filter. He smears new oil on gasket and hands it to me. Tighten new filter. Fill engine with oil. DON'T FORGET THE DRAIN PLUG!! AND DON'T STRIP OUT THE HOLE!!!

Start car. No leaks. GREAT!

Put 4 cans brim-full of black oil next to a dumpster. [Linked Image]

Spend rest of day wiping hands with rags and dishwashing soap. [Linked Image]

Now all my mom does with her new micro-bus is go to Jiffy Lube.

Dunno about the coffee. No more fun. HAHAHA.


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