I thought it would be nice to start a joke thread, Ofcourse it has to be clean.

I will start i just heard this.

a 64 year old man marries a 20 year old good looking hot woman, after 1 year they get divorced, 1 week later he marries another 20 year old hottie a year later he gets a divorce then he dies after a week.
After the investigation and autopsy, the coroner office reports that the 64 year old was never wired for two twenty.

Moderators if joke is not allowed in the forums please remove it.

'Weekend Warrior Electrical Guide :
Warning! May contain neuts.

It's your second phase that's the killer.

As long as they're not shared!!

Not really a joke but don't you find it amusing what some people think we can do? Like when they need a receptacle and they point to a one inch conduit running by with a 60 amp circuit in it and say "There's power right there" or when they have a flat roof and they want the new ceiling fan wires "fished in" with no holes cut.

I always say, part electrician, part magician.

I had a funny (and stupid) DIY style comment from a client on a 2 million SF office complex in a Chicago suburb.

We needed 100A of power and he pointed to a 30A twistlock and said "just tap off of that".

"She turned me into a neut!.... Well, I got better.... "

An electrician’s apprentice staggers into a bar with an exotic bird perched on his head.

Barman: “Hey bud, where did you find that?”
Bird: “Milwaukee – there’s thousands of ’em!
Say, do you sell beer to Mynahs?

Not a joke but still a situation that brings me to tears every time I play it back in my head.
I was foreman for a small residential crew and we were setting finish on a tract house when I had to leave the job to my right hand (young) man for an hour or so. I came back and found several ceiling fans sitting in their boxes in the family room that were not in the contract.
I asked him "Where did these come from?"
"The homeowner came by and left them" He replied.
"We've been over this. All changes have to be approved (and paid for) by the GC before we say we will do them!!!!" I reiterated.
"She said she spoke to him and its been approved." he replied.
I looked at him very apprehensively for several seconds.
He finally broke down and replied "I couldn't just say "No, your lying""
I burst into laughter turned and walked away.

Quite a few years ago, a jumper under a non-malfunctioned ram air parachute managed to get himself caught up on a high tension line. Most blamed inexperience and a total lack of approach planning. Me, I think it was just a phase he was going through.
Joe

OK guys, I've edited one and deleted one. (BTW I'm sorry for doing so)

Let's remember that we try to keep a G rating here.

What we may not necessarily consider offensive may in fact be offensive to our neighbor.


Roger

Q: What do you get when a high voltage transmission line falls onto a Japanese car?


A: A Toyota Corona

Q: What do you call a carpenter working in a service panel?



A: Dead!

-John

A: Shorty?

Q: How can you tell when a DYI-er has been working on a panel?
A: He’s still superglued to the cover when you arrive.

Q: How can you tell when an Mechanic has been working on a panel?
A: All the wire ends have been de-burred and chamfered at 45º.

Q: How can you tell when a Sheet-rocker has been working on a panel?
A: You cannot find it, [ or him! ].

Q: How can you tell when a Plumber has been working on a panel?
A: It’s full of bath-water, [ it’s OK, it will all leak out! ].

Q: How can you tell when a Roofer has been working on a panel?
A: The cable gutters have downspouts.

Q: How can you tell when a Carpenter has been working on a panel?
A: He’s sawn the ‘high leg’ off, trying to get it level.

Q: How can you tell when a Designer has been working on a panel?
A: He’s painted the 'red card' in lilac satin-latex.

Q: How can you tell when Arnie has been working on a panel?
A: If it smokes with the door open, he fines you $100.

Reward offered:

A reward of 500 microfarads is offered for information leading to the arrest of this desperate criminal Hop-A-Long Capacity.

This unrectified criminal escaped from a western primary cell where he had been clamped in ions, awaiting the Gauss chamber.
He was charged with the induction of an 18 turn coil named millihenry who was found choked and robbed of valuable joules.
He is armed with a carbon rod and is a potential killer. Capacity is also charged with driving a DC motor over a Wheatstone bridge and refusing to let the band-pass.

If encountered, he may offer series resistance.
The electromotive force spent the night searching for him in a magnetic field, where he had gone to earth. They had no success and believed he had returned ohm via a short circuit.

He was last seen riding a kilocycle with his friend Eddy Current who was playing a harmonic.

I know a young lady who found out her silicone implants have impurities in them. She calls them her Darlington Pair.
Joe

Brilliant!

Newsflash: The new Prime Minister has denied rumors that a "get tough on crime" policy would include reinstatement of capital punishment in Britain and the import of now-surplus electric chairs from the United States.

A spokesman for the P.M.'s office said: "However attractive some people might find the idea, we must remember that a prison is officially a place of employment for prison wardens, and as we all know, there is a ban on smoking in the workplace from July 1."

“Doctor my left arm hurts in several places!”
“Don’t go to those places!”

“Doctor now my other arm really hurts when I do this, Ooohh Arrgh!”
“Don’t do it then!”

“Doctor, now I can’t feel my legs!”
“I know, I had to cut your bad arms off!”

I swear this happened.
While in San Francisco my GF and I were looking out the motel window and she uttered this gem:
"Do they change those flags every day?"
I said "No, why do you think so?"
She said "Because yesterday they were blowing the other way".

Sam, we will never understand woman-logic!
At a script-reading many years ago the "prima donna" read, out loud to the assembled cast, that Sherlock Holmes lived at "Twenty two pound Baker Street", instead of 221b.

But Sam,,
We are from Delta city with wild lightbulb boncing around with our freind comming with us that freind is Mr. DC and he whine to them to come over but his car have bad relay and the feild winding is open so that why his battery powered car won't start and he want a new bussman fuse for it to make up the day.

Joe was born with five legs and always had, as you can imagine, the greatest difficulty in buying clothes. Then he discovered a little Jewish bespoke tailor’s shop in Bethnel Green. For Joe’s daughter’s wedding, the tailor made him a superb suit of the finest worsted. The jacket was double breasted, the fancy waistcoat was lined with golden silk and the pants fitted him like a glove.

Dang it! I cut it three times and it's STILL too short!

That's the last time I listen to Norm Abram too.
Measured it twice and sawed clean through my tape.

When I was riding on a dinner train in Seattle, the guide announced that "we are now traveling over the highest railway bridge in the state".
I almost choked on my meal when an angry man started yelling "where? WHERE? I CAN'T SEE IT!"

True story...you just can't make up stuff as funny as real life is.

Worth a try though Ghost! How about:

“Knock! Knock!”
“Who’s there?”
“It’s the electrician, I’ve come to fix your doorbell.”

Gets worse...
Electrician rings the door bell... nothing happens. Rings again... nothing. Murmurs to himself: "Now that's what I love! Complain for ages that their door bell does not work and then they don't open the door!"

Sherlock Holmes and Thomas Edison go on a camping trip to Niagara. They retire for the night, and go to sleep. Several hours later, Holmes wakes and nudges Thomas in the ribs.

"Thomas, look over yonder and tell me what you see."

"I see the lights of the power house, my dear Holmes, lit up by the marvel of electricity."

"And what, my dear friend, are the implications of that?"

Thomas ponders for just a moment. "It is the dawn of a new age Sherlock. Unlimited power will be generated for factories and homes. Domestic machinery will follow for many tasks and give freedom from drudgery. Our streets will be lit up and safe for the traveller. Our economy will expand, our democracy will strengthen and of course, I shall make a lot of money! What does it tell you, my dear Holmes?"

"I deduce, my dear comrade, that someone has stolen our tent.”

LOL good topic.
Stolen: what can he say to the guy with two black eyes? Nothing, he told him twice so far.

Forbidden Fish

A man was stopped by a game-warden in Northern Michigan recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden asked.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"OK. I've GOT to see this!" The game warden was curious, now. The man poured the fish in to the lake and st! ood and waited. After a several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, What?" the man responded. "When are you going to call them back?" The game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" The man asked.

"The fish." replied the warden.

"What fish?" The man asked.

I had a business policy of never performing work for lawyers or churches. I broke that when a friend from childhood, who became a priest, enticed me to do a project for the church. After completion, he told me this:
A Pope and an EC reached the pearly gates at the same time. After St. Peter checked them in he placed them in a golf cart and headed out. They came to a small cottage with a white picket fence and St. Peter said to the Pope “This is yours forever”. St. Peter proceeded with the EC and stopped at a massive mansion with a Bentley in the drive with a chauffer standing by, a large swimming pool with beautiful ladies lounging in bikinis, and a butler serving drinks. St. Peter said to the EC “This is yours forever”. The EC then asked St. Peter “Why do I get this magnificent mansion and the Pope only gets a small cottage”?
St. Peter replied “Oh, we’ve got lots of Popes up here”.

Sam

Now that's a real good one!

Your ending threw me Sam. I thought it was going to be that while this and other popes preached, people slept. After he wired someone's home, they prayed. They're results oriented up there!
Joe

Joe: I know that one with a priest and a taxi driver!

A priest and a taxi driver come to St. Peter. To the priest he says: "You go away!" and invites the taxi driver in. The priest starts to whine: "But I always prayed for all people!"
St. Peter replys: "Well, but the taxi driver drove so wild EVRYBODY prayed!"

This Joke thread is popular, if you look at the number of hits, over 1800 so far.

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and an American were captured by terrorists.

“We are totally depraved, but before we shoot you, you can each have one last request!”

The Englishman said “Well, actually, I should rather like the BBC symphony orchestra and the entire cast of ‘The Last Night of the Proms’ to perform ‘Rule Britannia!’ if it’s not too much trouble, old bean!

The Irishman said “Sure, and I’d like Michael Flatley and 100 dancers to do ‘Riverdance’, so I would!

The Welshman said “And I would love to hear the Treorchy Male Voice Choir sing ‘Hen Wlad Fy Nhadau’ [ ‘Land of my Fathers’ ] , isn’t it, boyo!

The American said “Jeez! Shoot me first!!”

This controlled experiment involved two Nuclear Engineers, two Rocket Scientists, and two Electricians
Each pair would be locked in a room for 12 hours with only two chairs, a table and two pieces of pipe.
After 12 hours the Nuclear Eng's had constructed a miniature nuclear reactor. The two Rocket Scientists were next and after their 12 hours they had put together a small rocketship.
Finally it was the Electricians' turn. When the judges entered the room after their 12 hours with the two pieces of pipe, they found that they had lost one and broke the other !!

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer are carpooling to work. They're just getting on the freeway when the car they are in suddenly stalls out, giving them just enough time to get over to the side of the road.

The mechanical engineer says "it's obviously a mechanical problem. We'll have to get out and take a look at the engine..."

The electrical engineer says " no, no it's not. It's an electrical problem. We'll need to get out and trace the problem out until we discover a discontinuity or a short..."

The software engineer says "I know, let's just get out and get back in again..."

The police arrested two kids yesterday.
One was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating firecrackers.


They charged one and let the other one off.

An engineer was walking down the road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up once again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week, and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Listen, I'm an engineer; I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

*********************************************

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

So here goes:

I’m watching the local evening news when a story comes on about a local air-show. The young and quite attractive reporter seems very excited she is explaining that the elite Blue Angels precision flying team has just arrived and will be performing several times throughout the show. She exclaims these are some of the fastest planes in the US arsenal they fly faster than the speed of LIGHT!

I say WHAT! To the TV in my living room faster than the speed of LIGHT, Holy Cow!!

So I cannot resist I call the TV station and speak to the receptionist I inform her I just watched a report on the air-show. The receptionist replies, that was an interesting piece don’t you think? Well, yes I say but the reporter said the Blue Angels planes fly faster than the speed of light. AND she says.

As a side note: I have been informally been polling people asking which is faster the speed of sound or speed of light? Try it you’ll be amazed at the replies.

Rich

I've got a good one as my background wallpaper.

Someone was quick enough with their camera to snap a shot from CNN coverage of the inflight breakup of the shuttle Columbia.

The text at the bottom of the screen reads "SHUTTLE TRAVELING NEARLY 18 TIMES THE SPEED OF LIGHT".

I'd be willing to share that picture with the group; but I don't know how to post pictures. If you'd like a copy, just send me a PM.

Image here:

http://weblog.bergersen.net/archives/cnnsucks.jpg

a blue haired woman sits on the first class on a plane. The stewardess walks to her and asks her to please go to the 2nd class, cause her ticket is for 2nd class. She replies:
-I have nice blue hair, I'm nice and intelligent, I have a ticket to Los Angeles, I won't go to 2nd class
Anyhow they couldn't make her leave her place, the stewardesses turn to the pilot.
He stands up, walks back, whispers something to the lady, the lady stands up and walks to the 2nd class.
The stewardesses ask, what could he say to make the lady change her mind?
-I told her the first class doesn't stop in Los Angeles.

Franz Liszt is asked by a newbie musician to listen to one of his pieces. Liszt listens patiently. At the end the newbie watches with shining eyes, Liszt starts:
-There are several new and several beautiful ideas in your piece my friend. It's a shame the new are not beautiful and the beautiful are not new.

The stewardess of the Malev plane talks in the loudspeaker:
-Excuse us for the delay, the pilot has found an annoying noise coming from the engine. We solved the issue, the replacement-pilot wishes you a pleasant journey.

Man in a bar after a few beers announces that his dog is the best fighting dog ever born and will beat any another dog in the world. So someone shouts what kind of dog do you have? He replies “long nosed, short legged, long tailed, terrier” Third man says “100$ says my 200lb rottweiler will kill that”. Your on says the man. So they go round the back of the pub and shure enough the long nosed, short legged, long tailed, terrier rip’s the rottweiler to bits. The man hands over the 100$ and asks “Iv never seen a dog like that before what breed did you say it was?” “Long nosed, short legged, long tailed, terrier…………but some people call it an alligator”

A guy walked into a bar and ordered a drink. He noticed a horse at the other end of the bar. He asked the bartender about the horse. The bartender replied “See this big jug of money here? Well, if you can make the horse laugh, it’s yours”. The guy thought for a moment, walked down and whispered into the horse’s ear. The horse burst out laughing. The guy collected the jug of cash and departed.
A couple of months later the same guy was back in town and entered the bar. Same horse, same jug of cash. He said to the barkeep “Same deal as before, make the horse laugh”? No, replied the bartender, this time you have to make him cry. The visitor walked down to the horse and they went outside. When they came back in, the horse was crying. The guy received the jug and was leaving when the bartender asked “Last time you made the horse laugh, this time you made him cry. How did you do that?
The visitor said “The last time I told him mine was bigger than his, this time I showed him”.

Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need
your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've
suspected for some time now that my wife has been
cheating on me.

The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the
caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the
girls a lot recently although when I ask their
names she always says, "Just some friends from work,
you don't know them."

I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming
home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I
can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out
of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in
a taxi?

I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time
it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should
never touch her phone again and why was I checking up
on her.

Anyway, I have never appr! oached the subject with my
wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the
truth, but last night she went out again and I decided
to really check on her.

I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson
motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it
so I could get a good view of the whole street when
she came home.

It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley that
I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to
be leaking a little oil.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it
back to the dealer?

Thanks,

The Hungarian just arrives from his summer holiday, in Australia. He tells his friend:
-Ahh, we had everything. Bars for me, beach for the kids, sunshine for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.