To all those on their own for the New Year, [ like me an' Tony, sob sob ], heres a little something to cheer you wherever, and whoever, you are on our flourishing green planet! Wha'hae th' noo and a prosperous 2007 to you all!
ECONOMIC MODELS EXPLAINED, USING COWS.
Socialism. You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbor.
Communism. You have 2 cows. The State nationalises both and gives you some milk.
British Conservatism. You have 2 cows. The State privatises your farm, rents your cows to a rock-band and sells you some milk.
Nazism. You have 2 cows. The State takes both cows and shoots you.
European Community-ism. You have 2 cows. The State licences both in a 450 page contract and buys the milk, then throws it away.
American Capitalism. You have 2 cows. You sell one, buy a bull and multiply your herd. The economy grows, you sell the herd and retire to California.
Cubism. You have 2 cows. One of them has three eyes. The other is wearing a tutu.
Surrealism. You have 2 hedgehogs*. The Government pays you to take Banjo lessons.
American corporation. You have 2 cows. You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of 4 cows. You hire a consultant to tell you why the cow dropped dead.
Enron corporation. You have 2 cows. You sell 3 to your publicly-listed company using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank. Then you execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for 5 more cows. The company report says you own 8 cows, with options on 2 more. The public buys the bull.
French corporation. You have 2 cows. You go on strike, set fire to your neighbor’s cows, block the roads and have a good riot because you want a cow monopoly. Then you go to lunch for 6 hours.
German corporation. You have 2 cows. You discipline them to milk themselves.
Swiss corporation. You have 2 cows. Well, not actually yours, you just get paid to store them.
Saudi corporation. You have 2 cows. Ex-pats milk them for you, for inflated tax-free salaries.
Scottish corporation. You have 2 cows. You sell one to your wife.
Canadian corporation. You have 2 cows. You sell the milk to a dairy, and the urine to a brewery.
Irish corporation. You have 2 cows. You export 20 of them to Northern Ireland in a tax swindle, then open another crate of Guinness.
Japanese corporation. You have 2 cows. You redesign them to be the size of a small dog and so they produce twice their own body weight in milk each day when fed only sawdust. Then you invent a cartoon character called ‘Cowkomon’ and clean up.
Hai!
Italian corporation. You have 2 cows, er…somewhere. You decide to have lunch!
Chinese corporation. You have 2 cows. You employ 350 people to milk them, claiming full employment and high cow productivity.
Jewish corporation. You have 2 cows. One sits on your wife. You think you’ve gone deaf.
British corporation. You have 2 cows.
They’re both mad.
Australian corporation. You have 2 cows. Business seems good, so you shut the office and go to the beach for a few tinnies and a barby to celebrate.
Swedish corporation. You have 2 cows. They escape to Norway.
New Zealand corporation. You have 2 cows.
The one on the left looks rather attractive.
UK Nature Notes * cf. Hedgehog, a small, harmless & loveable mammal, native to Britain, so called because they snort like a hog and live in hedges. Harmless, but covered in prickly spines and usually swarming with fleas.
* cf. Titmice. Not much fun either.
Only joking!
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Alan
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Happy New Year to you and your girlfriend!!
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